The vortex summoned us. Even the strongest efforts were really just panic maneuvers full of selfish instinct. Yes, selfish instinct. Millions of pounds of pressure provoked involuntary action. I spat acid. He spat salt. We both tasted death.. he choked on it. I swallowed air greedily while he swallowed water. Shock inhibited any movement from either one of us. Red, blue, purple, and finally black. His limbs were weary and his lifeless head dropped into the riptide. Thoughts assessed and chaos drawn, are you left merciless? When you see someone struggle hard, real hard, so hard that the vessels in your head pop just watching, is your view justified? Are you participating in reality? Are your emotions coinciding with your thoughts? Is what you know deciding how you feel? Is what you feel a result of what you know? And most importantly, are you doing your part? Gulp. How we feel about what we know decides our next move. When critical disaster hits, we find ourselves, often times in a very very unfortunate way. Id say we're nothing more than the living dead. We are fully clothed well fed ghosts. We are bruised, numbed, fearful, and forsaken. We are forever torn. Can you fathom witnessing a soul leaving the body? How undesirable without wisdom! How incomprehensible without imagination! How unmanageable without will! How unpredictable without..without.. righteousness?
RIP Derrick Cazard 6/30/08 - Always remembered, Never undervalued. Wish we played it different.
2 comments:
A fury of panic surrounded my mind. I made jokes on the way there before anyone jumped... Death jokes. Way too much foreshadowing that day. The dude at the fort who gave us directions to another place to jump told us to "be careful I don't wanna see you kids in the paper tomorrow. The currents are strong." After seeing the white water I knew it was a bad idea even with the short periods of calm water. He had his warning from Joe. "I jump here all the time but not days like this." After he jumped, it was almost immediately known from us that he needed help.
Thoughts of how to help flashed in our heads. I went down to the water to try to get him. It was if the water wouldn't let me grab him. He was in a pocket. The water wanted me. It almost me knocked me off the rock. I wanted jump in. I knew I was incapable of getting out if I went it. Rope and life vest was on the way. Once it got there, we did what we could. He grabbed it, we all pulled him out of the water. He couldn't hold on. He didn't put the vest on.
He fell back into hell. A stranger tried to help, grabbed and pulled him to the rock I was standing at before. I had a feeling of hope. Another wave destroyed all that. The search crew couldn't get him 'til the following day. Watching your good friend die in front of you changes the way you see everything. The situation has been replaying itself in my head every waking minute and even when I slept. What could we have done more? What could we not have done. Regrets. Why did this happen?
Derek, Kevin, and I were supposed to take the commuter rail back in to Boston that same day to attend a Birthday party of a friend. Instead Kevin and I went back with a terrible feeling in our hearts. I'm sorry Roomie, it looks like you won't be living with us next year. Rest in peace, but don't be afraid to stop by the crib for a Parli or a Keystone.
brent and darren,
i just came across your blogs. not even sure how. my name is lauren. my sister kaitlin is the birthday party you were supposed to go to that night... i only hung out with derrick maybe 4 or 5 times. of course, loved him the minute i met him. possibly because i felt like i already knew him because of kait, and her endless stories of her beloved friend. or maybe it was thats just who derrick was; lovable at first sight. kaitlin called me crying. and others told me they had heard on the news. against my better judgment, i found myself watching and reading the endless, sometimes ridiculous, news reports online. almost everyday for weeks. the thought of the whole situation haunts me. i guess being a mother myself doesnt help. i guess my point is this; the thought of what derrick went through that day is haunting, but the thought of what you guys went through, helplessly watching someone you love slip away from you, is more traumatic. i think of you guys often. i pray for you, without even knowing your faces. i pray for you everyday. if there is a god, i hope he gives you peace in your lives. like i said to my sister. we grieve for derrick, but derrick doesnt grieve. we should be happy we were privileged to know him, and jealous that he's where he is. we should all be so lucky as to live forever young...
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